I read a lot yesterday; thank goodness for books. This one was really good, engaging and entertaining. It was still really cold, only not as sunny. We had a fire going in the stove, but it was not always really warm. I had fried egg for breakfast. Ray and I walked the dogs to get the paper. Then we went to Ramsey and played racquetball. It was pretty deserted and we could choose any court we wanted. I wore new sneakers and they rubbed my foot, but he assures me they just need to be broken in.

It was really really hard for me. I kept thinking about my job and wanting to go there and do things, but thinking about what I would say and do. I am sure they have moved McKenzy into my office. I forgot my picture of Molli and Amelia and my water bottle. And I should go through my computer and delete all my music, I guess. Also say goodbye to people. Anyway, I am not ready. I hit the ball really hard. Then I lay down on the floor and cried. Ray sat near me and tried to be comforting. He didn't say, you can't do this. He said they are so stupid...I managed to play two games of racquetball in a haze. I couldn't keep track of the score, just hit the ball over and over. I would like to say it made me feel better, but all I can say is I managed to do it. I took a shower and put on my red dress for the Christmas party at his office and I talked to the people there and ate a delicious lunch and didn't run and hide.

Then we went home and I didn't do much, except sit by the fire and read, which was pleasant. People kept talking to me, though, and I didn't really want them to. My Dad said to Cameron, "she doesn't want to play." Zoe was lying on the blanket, breathing hard. I went and sat with her. I called to Ray and he came and joined me, just before she took her last breath. Don't know that she knew we were there, but they say that about people--that they wait for you. My Dad and Ray put her in the wheelbarrow and took her out to the grave Ray dug last summer when we thought she was going to die. Cameron really seemed unhappy and confused, so I took him out on a leash, but he still didn't understand. Zoe was gone, but  he couldn't figure out where. She was 14 and had a good life. We loved her and will miss her. They say bad things come in threes--my oven, my job, my dog. I don't know why that should be, but maybe it means things are looking up for me. Or, maybe we used up all our good karma getting Adrian's visa approved. I guess it was worth it. And I am trying to be positive about the job; maybe this is the chance for me to do something new. I am somewhat at a loss for how to make that happen...

Ray made his famous macaroni and cheese and we went to potluck. It is nice to have people who love you and our sympathetic. Choir was good, but I did fall asleep during some of it, not the part where we practiced processing. Went right to bed when we came home and slept pretty well for about 7 hours.