It's supposed to be 92 degrees today. At the moment, it's 60...Yesterday it was in the 50s, very foggy all day. After a long, cold winter and spring, I think most people are delighted to have some really warm weather. Last weekend was the first time I've sat out in my yard at all since last fall. I pulled some weeds, too, which I have been really wanting to do. Now that the weather is finally warm enough, my back did its thing, where it spasms and I have to stay in bed and take drugs. I appreciate that there are drugs available to me, and I am less stressed these days, knowing it will eventually get better (although I do have thoughts, what if it never does and I have to spend the rest of my life in bed?). But it sure pisses me off. Really? After all I've done for you, faithfully doing yoga once a week, walking twice a day, even losing weight...and it doesn't help??? I don't know if everyone's brain works like mine, but I am constantly asking myself, what did I do wrong? what could I have done differently? I have good chairs and the driver's seat in my car adjusts several ways, so I can make sure I'm getting good support. I make sure to get up and walk around every hour, thanks to my FitBit reminders.
Some of the things that may have contributed: a lovely dinner with my sisters, where we were able to eat outside. However, the only table they had for us (after I had made a reservation a week ahead, specifically requesting outside seating) was a kind of picnic table with hard backless benches. I wasn't in pain then but maybe it was a factor. Also, the weed pulling. Also, driving to the airport, trying to read all the signs and communicate with the person arriving...? Who knows? Maybe believing in demons or humors would be as helpful. I am, however, super grateful to be better, although cautious about pulling weeds or doing anything that might set it off. Maybe warm weather will help...
Here's a somewhat mysterious thing. I do most of the cooking at my house. I really like cooking, especially the part where I plan and execute healthy meals that we all like and rarely waste any food. We eat almost every leftover. Since the pandemic, I order almost everything on line from Imperfect, Misfits, and Walden Meats. If there is anything missing, it's my fault...whatever I order, I have to use (or give away?). For the last few months, I have mainly been cooking gluten-free things, in the hope that it will help with my husband's rheumatoid arthritis. I dread his hands turning into lumpy claws and him not being able to walk (which he loves) or do other things with me. I'm not sure it's helping with the RA, but we are both losing weight, which is clearly a good thing.
The mysterious part? I read a book called Fair Play, about dividing household tasks. Mind you, that is not really a problem for us. My husband does his share and more, cleaning, doing dishes, helping prepare most meals. I read it more because of my interest in women's rights and sociology. I don't agree with everything she says, or where she is coming from. It is mainly for couples with children (God forbid, you should be raising them alone!). She made a list of all the stuff she was responsible for. One of her points is, don't think that actually preparing the meal (for instance) is the same as thinking about it, planning it, and carrying it out. The psychological energy that (mostly) women put into every facet of family life takes a toll. She talks about birthday parties, sitters, thank you notes...things I mostly don't worry about any more. She talks about wardrobe and beauty, things I have never spent a lot of time or psychic energy on. But we tried it. My husband is game, among other things. We divided all our household responsibilities, on paper, discussing what is involved, from conception to execution, and which of us would take it on. In theory, we can change every day or several times a day, more likely on a weekly basis, if it doesn't seem to be working, or something changes (like my back goes out). This system does not allow for nagging, or even asking for help. And it's surprising how much we both like it (after 3 days). It is very freeing to know that I am entirely responsible for all food preparation, from planning to cooking, and that I can take credit for it. I also can leave the kitchen a mess, guilt-free. When I came downstairs this morning, the dishes from yesterday were all done. The counters are clean (so I can mess them up again if I want). It's really amazing how happy we both have been--he has commented on it too. Check back later to see if it continues to be life-changing. I was pretty skeptical. The sociology stuff is great, too. All time is equal (not related to how much you are paid for it). Duh. Don't try for a 50/50 split, just concentrate on which jobs each of you can take on. Also, let some things go (sorry, thank-you notes). Have an honest conversation about how you both feel about various tasks--if it's not important to either of you, take it off the list. It's also important to agree on what constitutes completion. It's based on a corporate model--having standards to meet. After deciding, walk away, no need to criticize or whine. Try it!
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