Existential Ennui

I was told once that I suffered from existential ennui, which I find both very amusing and possibly true. I have said, "if you're not depressed, you're not paying attention." It's Fall, Winter is coming. I feel restless and occasionally unhappy. Not miserable, not hating my job or my life, there are lots of good things. But things wear on me. It's impossible for adults to be carefree and happy like children, I guess. I am angry at the world. People are not behaving well. They are hurting each other, and I don't even know why. 

I am looking forward to visiting my daughter in North Carolina. We will get on a plane with other people and probably it will be fine. I have this irrational belief that if I lived there, everything would be better. But that is what a vacation is, a chance to leave the daily routine behind. 

Part of it is this house, with its boxes of old things that I cannot bear to get rid of, but don't have a space for. Old photos of dead relatives, old books that I loved, even old clothes that somebody could wear. Old knickknacks on shelves that nobody sees--except me. They weigh on me, more sometimes than others. I long to get rid of everything and start over--a house fire would do it, but I could just throw it all away. and yet...

Yesterday I went to an event for an organization I support. It was billed as a garden party. I drove to a part of town I rarely visit. The house was huge and lovely, brown shingled, set back on a big lawn with great landscaping. I looked for a way to walk around back and the owner or someone urged me to come in, just to walk through the house, the party was on the porch. As I came through, I could see the people on the porch. They were much too close for me. I could walk to the other end of the porch, but I would have to go through all the people. I said, "no that's okay, Thanks anyway," and I turned around. "It's not that bad," she encouraged me. "Maybe you can go around?" I fled. 

Standing in front of the. house, enjoying the sunshine and the wind, I got ready to leave. Someone I know from the organization came up to me. She apologized, she understood how I felt. She encouraged me, she said they would ask people to distance themselves. I went around back and climbed up the stairs to the porch. There was no one at this end. On the other hand, I was not going near the food and drink, as that was through the crowd. And I couldn't really talk to anyone from here. It seemed silly to stay. Some people said some words of welcome and encouraged people to go down on the lawn. There were even games to play. I rushed back down the steps and started playing cornhole (by myself). I was terrible and the targets seemed too far apart. Eventually, though, someone else came to play and some more people came down to the lawn. They brought a few chairs. I spoke to someone at length who had just come back from Nova Scotia. I said hello to a few others that I knew. Speeches were made and I left. Of course, everyone was wearing a mask (most of the time), but some kept slipping and being adjusted. And some people were eating and drinking and making speeches. But I was far enough away and had my mask on and we were outside.