Transitions

Ray left yesterday. First we went to the Winter Market (with Molli, but T stayed home). We walked a ways to get to the Community Center. There were lots of great apples, carrots, and greens. Treated myself to a pain au chocolat, one of my few vices. They had Nicaraguan coffee for Ray. We walked back, put things away. Ray showered and finished packing. He is leaving most things here. He flew on Spirit Airlines, only $50, nonstop to ATL, and it was fine. He would have had to pay for any luggage, even a carryon, but his backpack was okay. If he wanted something to eat or drink, he would buy it. If he wanted a certain seat, he would pay extra. He said it was crowded, but definitely worth the savings.

I went with him to the airport, a fairly long trip on the Red Line to the Silver Line. They were doing some work (often true on weekends) and we had to take a bus from one part of the Red Line to the other part, which made it even longer than usual. When we got there, it was about time for Ray to go through security, so I waved and turned around to make the trip back. It wasn’t that I really had anything else to do, so I just went with it.

At home, I tidied a little and eventually wandered over to Molli’s, where she was trying to get work done. I don’t have internet at my apartment, so I took advantage of hers, bringing my laptop with me. She made a beef stew, although it was a little late by the time it was ready. I have the table in my apartment, so we had to improvise a little, using a desk chair that could rise almost to the level of the kitchen counter, where the two of them usually eat on stools. The new bookcases and dresser look nice in the apartment, although there are still some things to put away, and she doesn’t really have time for that.

I watched a little TV and came home. Although I miss Ray, there is a certain pleasure in having the place to myself. I puttered a little and went to bed with a good book…unfortunately, although I was asleep by 10:30, I woke again before 2 and finished my book without going back to sleep, maybe dozing a little toward morning after I finished it. Anxiety about going back to work tomorrow? Missing my husband? Who knows? Sometimes I don’t sleep and that’s okay. It was a good book, the Last Runaway by Tracy Chevalier, and I had a good cry at one point.

Today, I feel like crap, but that will pass. I had intended to go to church this morning, my one social activity outside of Molli’s life, but she called to tell me Tamara was competing in a swim meet. She has practice every Sunday morning, but this time there was some sort of community meet and she was asked to compete. It was her first time ever, although she has been practicing for a month or so. She did not win any events, but seemed pretty happy afterward.

They came back to my house and ate pancakes. I had mixed them up earlier, but we stopped and got blueberries at the convenience store. $8 for 10 oz frozen berries! They did taste good.

Now they are gone, and this will be the rhythm of my days…some time alone, some time with the girls, trying to do what I can to make Molli’s life a little easier and provide them with decent meals and save some money. I can listen to music that I like, play solitaire, watch DVD’s, and cook. Not bad

Job Interview

Job interview yesterday was a little different. Chris is the Program Director. He was wearing jeans and we sat in his office. Ray went with me. The #1 bus took us from Cambridge to the South End of Boston. Then we had to walk a few blocks. It wasn’t terrifying, but it was not a classy neighborhood, not residential at all. Empty lots and warehouses with a fair number of people on the sidewalk.

We went in and the woman at the desk suggested we wait in the “caf,” where we could have had lunch if we had wanted, or at least something to drink. Ray got some coffee and then he wandered off to a Subway I had found on my phone. I sat a little longer, looking around at the people serving and eating…almost all men, of all ages, not looking particularly dangerous or slovenly. I went to the rest room and decided I looked fine.

Chris talked more than he asked me questions. I learned a lot about Hope House and the field of addiction. He said alcoholism is not much of a problem any more, only affecting about 2% of the residents. Mostly it’s heroin.

Happy New Year!

Amelia's first Buche de Noel

Ray's method of deconstructing the Christmas tree

My grandmother's tablecloth comes out once a year

A smaller version of a childhood favorite

The woods with Cameron and spiderwebs

That's all, folks!

Ours is on the left

1/3/16 4:29 PM

It was New Years Day, 2016. Ray and I were still eating breakfast in our home in the country.

Kent was the first to arrive, not surprisingly, a little before 9 am. He looked like a cross between Santa Claus and Jimmy Stewart, lanky with a full white beard. We had known each other more than 30 years and he was the salt of the Earth, a really nice guy. He was an attorney helping people get the disability payments they were entitled to. He was also really smart, reading a lot and remembering it, in all kinds of subjects, sports, politics, you name it. He could talk about anything and usually did.

“Strong back, weak mind,” he said disparagingly of himself. “Just tell me what you need me to do. I take direction well.”

Although Ray was a great packer, meticulous about getting everything in right, he would much rather talk to Kent than start loading the truck. We were hoping to leave by noon, but I was pretty sure that wasn’t happening. He ate some breakfast and showed Kent where we were heading, but I was getting pretty restless by the time anything happened. Gradually, though, they managed to get three bookcases into the back of the truck. Kent would help carry and then stand around while Ray carefully tied it in.

Meanwhile, his wife Becky had arrived. She had eaten and taken the dogs for a walk before coming over. They almost always went everywhere in two cars. In this case, Kent was going to work as soon as he left us and Becky had errands to run. “She’s really good at packing,” Kent bragged. It was true. I had seen her in operation before, with things spread out in the driveway getting ready for a trip to the beach. The thing was, she always took way more than I thought she needed. She drove a minivan, even though their kids, like ours, were grown and gone, out on their own in their 20s and 30s. Hers were on the West Coast, mine not quite so far away, in North Carolina and Massachusetts.

She packed several boxes of books for me before I hit the jackpot. Molli had carried up some things from the basement she wanted us to bring to her, but she hadn’t exactly packed them. They were fairly randomly set in boxes, new wedding presents and old glass figurines, none of them wrapped or arranged with any care. Becky set to work. “Don’t you want me to run out and get more boxes…or buy some paper?” she asked me. “I’m sure we can manage,” I said. The nearest store was five miles away, and it was a good bit further to any place she could buy packing materials.

One of my goals for my new life was to buy as little as possible…use up, make do or do without. Becky was a classic consumer, and her house was like mine, only more so, filled to the brim with STUFF. They were all things we had wanted at one point, but we rarely used them or admired them or got any pleasure from them. Mine had become a weight around my neck, like the albatross to the mariner, and I was running away as fast as I could.

John Z and Gini arrived shortly after that, bringing corn bread and greens and jumping in. Gini helped Becky with the packing and John helped carry. A retired architect, he was also really good at advising us on things that would make our house sell better. 

We could have taken twice as much!

The last of the crew was John O, a retired math professor. He had a sailboat and was great with knots, so Ray appreciated his help. He also hung right in there and managed to stay busy all the time. He and Ray were mainly on the truck and we would bring them boxes or John Z and Kent carried things to them, like our bed. Moving the bed revealed a nasty layer of dust on top of some things that had been under there, like old slippers.

Unlike years ago, our friends were not interested in helping us move in exchange for pizza and beer. They just wanted to help us and be with us. We gave John O. some beer that we had in the fridge to take home, so it would get used. We drank a bottle of champagne, with orange juice, and finished up the Christmas stollen I had made. It was still delicious. We ate turkey soup and corn bread and greens and sent them away. We could probably finish better without their help, once all the heavy things were on the truck. The big old TV was the last to go, although we did not plan to pay for cable service in Massachusetts. We would watch DVD’s from the library instead.

At the other end, in Cambridge, Molli and her husband and sister-in-law were waiting for us. It was 11:00 by the time we got there, and pretty cold. There had been snow a few days before and there was a little frozen dirty snow at the edges of the street. Molli gave me the keys and I grabbed a few small things and opened the door. Molli and Carlos had the box spring. They decided it wouldn’t fit in the elevator and muscled it up two flights. I took the elevator, which WAS small, but elegantly shabby, with marble on the walls and floor.

I unlocked the door’s two locks and looked at my new home. A narrow entrance hall, with a tiny bathroom on the right and coat closet on the left. Straight ahead the bedroom, which seemed quite large to me now with nothing in it. It had a long closet and a good-sized window. The main room was to the left, with a kitchen at one end. There was room for a table and chairs, as well as a couch and TV. It had a really large window, with a view of another apartment building. The wood floors were nice and the little kitchen had everything I needed, including a tiny dishwasher. I couldn’t wait to start putting things away.

For now, though, we got the bed in and Tamara helped me make it (we had put the sheets where we could get to them easily and remember where they were). There was a suitcase with pajamas and toothbrushes and everything else would wait. We turned on the heat and got into our bed. It was so cold, Ray asked for some sweaters to put over us, on top of the heavy blanket.

***

Yesterday, we picked up a few more items from my cousins: a small dresser, a small coffee table, and some more dishes, glasses and flatware. Then we returned the truck to Medford. Medford is where my Mom grew up and I always am excited to see it. I keep thinking I’ll naturally feel some connection, which is pretty silly since I don’t even remember her talking about visiting there. Her Mom moved away when she got married and she didn’t seem to be particularly fond of the place. I think they lived mainly in poverty and loneliness. Her older sisters and brother were ten years older and didn’t live nearby.

1/6/16 7:47 AM

It was bitter cold yesterday (8 degrees in the morning!). Much warmer today at 20. Fortunately the heat works very well. It is electric baseboard, with a thermostat for each room, so I keep the bedroom quite cold most of the time and turn the living room down when I go out. It heats up really quickly once I turn it on again. I am a little concerned about how much the bill will be, but won’t know that for a while.

We are pretty much settled now, with (almost) everything we could want. I have been reading Marie Kondo’s book about “tidying up.” It is really quite interesting, although I am not a convert to her entire method (emptying your purse every time you come home and putting it away is overkill for me). My favorite thing so far is folding clothes and putting them in the drawer so you can see everything you have. I also like the idea of “heaviest” on the left and lightest on the right. I’m not sure why it makes sense, but maybe just having a system is good.

I have my own version of her system: choose the things that you like best and move them to a new place. Whatever is left you can get rid of! I will try to get rid of unnecessary clutter every day and keep things tidy here. Already I have some things I don’t really need, but I do have some unused storage space! It’s a great feeling. Six dresses is probably enough, right?

Every thing I do is establishing a new routine for me, which is a powerful thought. Of course, it can be changed if it doesn’t work, but it’s interesting to think about what the next year will bring. I have been going to bed very early (which is normal for me anyway), partly because it’s cold and I am tired and sore from what I have been doing. It’s also in part because there is no TV or internet! I can’t decide if I like how freeing that is, or can’t wait until I have the money for it. In the meantime, I can watch DVD’s (the Elton John Greatest Hits concert that I never watched before, for instance) and read. I can also take my computer to the library to use the internet, or go to Molli’s.

She asked if we wanted to have dinner with them last night. Of course, I said yes. Since the table is here, we ate here, and I made dinner. I even made a blueberry pie, Molli’s favorite. I had taken frozen blueberries with me and they had thawed and needed to be eaten…if I want blueberry pancakes, I’ll have to buy more. For the main course, I planned chicken curry. Unfortunately, I have no spices other than salt and pepper. Also no celery. It was still edible, but maybe not really curry.

Tamara showed up before Molli and Adrian, who were about an hour late. She had an away swim meet and that is why we were going to have dinner, just the four of us. Five is doable, but I didn’t make quite enough rice. Of course, she was very hungry too.

Our main task yesterday was walking to the hardware store in Harvard Square, Dickson’s. It is a pretty interesting and quirky old store. One of the fun things about that part of Cambridge is the juxtaposition of old and new. The Gap is across the street. There is history all around, but lots of tourists and students as well. We had keys made to the apartment for Molli and Tamara…and Ray. We bought some necessities, like light bulbs and a Swiffer.

One of Marie’s lessons is to appreciate everything you own. In my case, having a lamp that brightens the bedroom is delightful…and a nice new Swiffer to keep the wood floors clean. Abundance that does not bring joy is almost a burden. Being able to take pleasure in every object in my space is very valuable…and to be grateful for the job they are doing…my worn loveseat and ottoman that have been underused for many years are now the focal point of my living room. There is a photo on the wall over them that my Dad took of a sunrise, with the Seal Island Bridge in the background. It makes me happy for many reasons. It’s beautiful, my father took it and had a large print made for me, and it reminds me of when I was younger and we spent summers in Nova Scotia. I was asleep below when my Dad took the picture.

I am very nervous about the future. Ray leaves on Saturday and I will miss him. I am not sure how I will like living alone. Somehow that wasn’t really part of my plan. I came here to be with Molli and Tamara, and I will see them a lot. Yet, when this apartment became available and I thought I could afford it, thanks to my employment, it seemed like a good idea to give them (and me) a little space. Three women in two bedrooms wasn’t ideal.

I generally try to be rational and make decisions based on all the factors. Yet, lately I seem to be flying by the seat of my pants and following my intuition over and over again. The jury is still out on whether that is going to be a good thing in the end. I am supposed to be concentrating on getting the house on the market, but that hasn’t happened. This was the week we were going to work on that, but we brought a truckload of stuff here instead. Ray is coming back for MLK day and he didn’t like the idea of sleeping on an inflatable single bed on the floor, with little or no furniture. We realized that we had time to drive now and he wouldn’t again until March. It’s easy to rationalize now, but the house is still not ready to be listed!

Also, it’s cold here and there’s not a lot for us to do, now that we are pretty much moved in. Grocery shopping, cooking, washing dishes… Once I am working, it makes sense to be here, obviously. Ray can always work on his class preparations.

Fall in the City

Cambridge library

I was only home for 5 days this time and they were busy ones. I did a lot of baking and didn't have much time for anything else. It was my last time at the Farmers' Market. I doubt that I'll be selling baked goods to the public again. I enjoyed it, although I would not describe it as "lucrative." I learned a lot and will miss the people.

Treated myself to a special lunch at a French bakery...ate all the dessert, but not all the sandwich.

I did see some of my good friends, watched the movie "Brooklyn" at Cine, and sang on Sunday morning before hopping on the shuttle to the airport.

Shopping for Thanksgiving...on foot, of course!

fudge pecan pie

apple pie, for Tamara and my Dad

This is the way we make sweet potatoes for Thanksgiving

Tamara goes to the Rainbow Ball

My Dad's favorite part of Thanksgiving: pie for breakfast

we spent a little time on the Cape: Ray and Barbara

When I got to Boston, it was still light out, but the sun had gone down before I left the terminal with my luggage. No checked bags this time, just a (large) purse and a rolling suitcase. I could do with even less if it weren't for carrying my laptop back and forth. It's really too heavy to carry by hand--the reason I switched from my beloved boat bag to the rolling case. I also brought the menorah, so I could celebrate Hanukah with Molli and Tamara here. 

ate at the Yarmouthport Inn, Barbara's favorite

 All was fine at work, although they did not seem to have missed me much. I got my hair cut while I was in Athens and no one has noticed.

also breakfast with the girls

lobster roll!

blueberry bushes in Fall

I looked at an apartment near here yesterday and I"m really torn. Of course, it's a great deal at only $1700 a month...it will take most of my earnings every month, but the rest of my expenses are covered by my husband. It is really nice, hardwood floors, updated bath and kitchen, and only a block from Molli. Of course, I won't have any furniture or kitchen stuff (except what she shares with me), but that's okay. The question is how much do I (and they) need the privacy? Obviously, I can still cook for them and be around as much as they need me. Is it worth the money? Alternatively, how much time do we want to spend with three of us in a 2 bedroom 1 bath apartment? And, of course, hopefully, Adrian will be back one of these days.

How much do I love my job here? How secure is it? Are they likely to keep me on, increase my pay? How lonely will I be, spending the majority of my time in a tiny apartment by myself? Or will I love it? Is it time to be a grown up? I know I will miss the natural spaces around my house, and the beautiful house itself, not to mention the company of my devoted husband and many friends.

Star Wars brownie birthday cake (with no dairy)

Frost on oregano

Someone in Athens said it was like being a 20-year-old again. This is the kind of thing people do when they're right out of college and trying to find themselves. It doesn't really feel the same to me. I'm not looking for love, or even friends, really. I'm happy to be gainfully employed at a worthwhile organization. I like the lifestyle of walking and taking transit.

There are some things I will really enjoy about being alone, like making every decision based on what I want...even though they are little ones, like what to watch on TV when (not that I'll have a TV) or not worrying about bothering anyone else when I get up.

And I'll look forward to having Ray (and maybe other people) visit me.

I win at life!

OK, most people might think it's silly, but I am tickled because I used up the ricotta before it went bad. Molli had bought some for something and used a small amount, but there was still almost 4 cups of an expensive delicious ingredient that needed to be eaten. Friday night is usually pizza night around here...homemade pizza if I have time. So, we had ricotta on our pizza. Then yesterday morning I made ricotta blueberry mini-muffins to take to my cousin's for brunch. And this morning...ricotta pancakes! Oh, so good.