Under the bushes
at Maureen's house,
I smoked my first and last cigarettes.
I was probably 16
and upset about a boy, I think.
This will help, she said.
But it didn't.
When things in the world
are not going right,
Like these days,
I wish something as simple
as smoking a cigarette
could fix it.
But it won't.
I got a new computer, which is great and fast. Everything (I think) transferred from the old computer, except photos and music. The photos are all on Google (I think) and I copied the music manually. Now I'm listening to a lot of old music I've never listened to--or not that I can remember. Jethro Tull? Bread?
Of course, the news is riveting. The coverage of the war on Ukraine is heart-wrenching. Such good interviews on NPR, it seems real and immediate. I try to imagine what I would do. People streaming out, waiting in their cars for 48 hours to get across the border, mistreating other refugees, and other people making their way in to fight the Russians. It seems folly for a small country to fend off a giant with no scruples to kill anyone and everyone with little cause. Surely in this day and age it doesn't make sense. Putin and his crew are hurting themselves in an interdependent world. Also, did he not repeatedly say he would not attack just a week before? I just cannot comprehend people like that--but I blame Trump and his supporters for encouraging him and being similar.
The weather is still cold. There is a thin scrim of ice on the sidewalks, where snow melted yesterday and froze overnight. It's fine in the sun, but pretty scary otherwise. I know it's warming and should be sunny today, so will make some more progress today. Still forecast to be cold enough to freeze for several nights. I'm looking forward to going back to Durham in a couple weeks.
My boss is getting his second cancer treatment today. I'm worried about him, but statistically his odds are good. I know it's pretty difficult in the meantime. He was heartened to find out yesterday that the Family Medical Leave Act in Massachusetts will pay for his sick leave, which he has pretty much used up on doctors' appointments. He pushed himself to do my annual review before today, so I will get a 4% raise, going back a month and a half. He said I exceeded on all measures, and wrote nice things about me. We get along well and have good communication. The Board members have expressed appreciation as well. I spent time online trying to get a QuickBooks problem resolved and they were going to let me know when it was. I was glad that they admitted the problem, but would have liked a more immediate solution or workaround. I can't record any deposits until they fix it. A major accounting program like that should not have a sudden failure. It will affect thousands?
Oil crisis brought on by invasion halfway around the globe...political conflict--could war bring us together? So much stress.
It doesn't sound exactly like rain falling outside...a little more clicks, not so gentle and calming. They call it mixed precipitation--it's not sleet, or freezing rain--we'll probably have those a little later today. When I was out, there were some small specks of snow mixed in with a good amount of rain--too cold for a raincoat, too wet for a parka. On the ground, there were deep puddles from the rain and the melting snow, but in places there was a texture to the wet, not yet slippery/dangerous, but suggesting of things to come. I'm not going anywhere today. Neither is T. School is cancelled and she will sleep most of the day. The thing she would like to do--drive to another state to see her friends--is not going to happen because no one should be driving today, least of all someone who just got her license a year ago and didn't grow up with snow and ice. Fortunately, she knows it and agrees. Maybe she will go tomorrow, but I think it will probably be sheet ice by then, also not good for driving. I suggested she had plenty of time for cleaning the house...but she is thinking more along the lines of a craft project. Hmm.
Ray is at work--it's peak season for tax preparers. He walked and the dog and I walked part of the way with him. That's how I know it's not fit for walking either, but safer than driving. The temperature is supposed to fall all day, so it will be colder by the time he comes home. I can't imagine going to the tax office today, but I have known people to do it.
I may have overdone a bit yesterday, so today will be good for recuperating. A warm bath, a yoga class, maybe some cookies or soup-making. A lot of sitting inside. It's not really cold inside yet. If I plan it right, I can fire up the oven late in the day to keep it that way. Although I have found, it doesn't pay for me to plan to do much late in the day. I tend to lose my energy by then.
Yesterday was volunteer day. I spent a couple hours, like most Thursdays, at the Beverly Bootstraps food pantry. This is not hard work. I look people up in the computer and have them sign in. I ask if they want laundry detergent or toilet paper and check the boxes if they say yes (unless we don't have any, which happens sometimes). I have my mask on and so do they, mostly. Some people seem to think covering their mouth is enough, or the mask doesn't fit right. If I do get COVID, this will probably be where I got it. Some people are "shopping" for big families or they are single Moms with one child, but there are a good number of older adults, in singles and couples. Sometimes I learn a little of their stories. Perhaps they may have made poor choices earlier in life, but mostly, they have had bad luck. It makes me feel like our society is a failure. People should not have to come begging for food, thanking us profusely, praising God for the food pantry that keeps them alive. Some people are angry--I think that would be me. How did this happen to me? This is not how life was supposed to be...why don't you have the kind of bread I like? Most people are appreciative and happy with the food they get. They can come once a week. There are always fresh potatoes and carrots and apples and many other kinds of produce. There are canned veggies and beans and bags of rice and pasta. They can get meat, but there is not a lot of choice, milk, eggs and cheese. Some people have allergies or picky children. We help when we can.
I work with Lisa and Terry and Adrianna and Don and Beth and Rich. There is some paid staff, but most are volunteers. We chat among ourselves sometimes when it's not crowded. Only 4 shoppers allowed at a time--for COVID safety. It can seem pretty crowded even so. I am on checkin, Lisa is on check out, Adrianna gives out the meat and other things. The rest are constantly restocking. As donations come in out back, they are weighed and entered into the system. Someone, I'm sure, writes thank-yous and arranges pickups. Someone makes sure there are enough volunteers for all the jobs all the shifts.
At twelve, I went home and had my lunch, grateful for my home and the food I carelessly choose. I try hard not to ever waste any of it and to plan tasty healthy meals for the three of us. I sometimes wish I were feeding more people and I give away some cookies to neighbors and relatives. One neighbor works in the city at the hospital. She had COVID not long ago, after making it two years. She was not very sick, but not ready to go back to work when she tested negative and they needed her to come in. I shared some food with her. My sister-in-law works with very young children. She finally got it last month. Because she is older (my age) and has asthma, she was able to get monoclonal antibodies. She mainly felt like she had a bad cold. You can imagine she doesn't get paid a lot to work with one- and two-year-olds. And of course they are not vaccinated or masked. And you can't really stay six feet away from them. Are there parents supposed to send them to school when they are coughing and have runny noses? No. Do they? Of course. Otherwise, they can't go to work.
My next assignment was an interview with a young woman who hopes to attend Middlebury College. As an alumna, I have the opportunity to talk to these young, smart people. It is of course a great pleasure. Most of them have lots of interests and skills (and privilege). They are lucid and creative and caring. This one has already been to France for a month (in 9th grade) and to Beijing (the fall before the pandemic)! I was a little jealous. I wish I could go to that campus again and meet all those energetic young people with their lives ahead of them. The hard part of that job is writing up my conversation and making a recommendation to the Admissions office. They are all outstanding!
Later in the day, I went to Salem, to the Hawthorne Hotel. We belong to a food coop/CSA. Most of the food is distributed weekly in the summer, but this was an additional February share for those who wanted to opt in. Of course, I did! More potatoes, apples, spinach and so much more. Cheeses! All locally grown or made. I went to help with the setting up and sorting and weighing. Mainly, I greeted people, had them sign in and told them about what was available and how to follow the system. Weigh out 2 pounds of red onions, 1 of shallots, take one butternut squash...I really like it. Pretty interesting to compare the two groups of people picking up food in the morning and the afternoon. So much work in either case. Work that is not done by large organizations, with the costs passed along to the consumers. The local food may cost more sometimes (eggs $7/pound), but we are supporting and helping grow a network of farmers and producers that need consumers.
I loaded my three boxes of goodies into my car and drove home. It was dark and misty, not my favorite driving conditions, but I did not have far to go. I left the heavy boxes in the car, but took some potatoes out for dinner. Steak, yellow beans, and baked potatoes. Oh, it was good.
Ray had ended up working until after 6 and Tamara even later. We were all happy to eat, watch a little TV, and go to bed. We saw the Mandalorian and Brooklyn Nine Nine this time.
One of the things I love about my evenings, especially in winter, is knitting. I mostly knit while I'm watching TV. It keeps me from biting my nails and calms me down. I feel like I'm doing something useful. Sometimes it is pretty rote. Knit a row, purl a row. At the moment, I am working on a project for myself, although I often knit for others. Molli has so many sweaters I've made her she can't really wear them all. This is a striped coat, a long sweater that I think of for fall and spring. It is challenging because I am using the stripe pattern from one project, but the construction method from another. Knitting is something I do for the process not the product. Some of my "products" aren't anything I would wear. Ray has a vest I made him, with many mistakes. He wears it at home, because it is warm. I have gotten a little more creative, using up the ends of yarn to make multi-colored projects: a snake for D., a baby blanket to put away for someone. Part of the fun is choosing something to make and deciding on the colors I will use. When I go to Durham, I will get more yarn to use in future projects. I have many hats, scarves, and mittens, but I will think about making some warmer mittens with heavier yarn next.
It is also what I like about cooking...I can spend hours looking through cookbooks. Today I will have leftover steak for lunch, with potatoes and vegetables. So I will choose something for dinner that is not beef or potatoes. Maybe chicken or fish with rice. I try to limit pasta to once a week--we would all eat it more often than that, but don't think it's healthy.
It snowed all day Saturday. When we woke up, there was already 6 inches of snow, maybe. It was hard to tell because the wind was blowing like crazy. Some places were down to the frozen grass, and other places were piled high in sculpted drifts, like sand dunes. We went out when it was light, to let the dog out and sweep and shovel a little, for the first time. It wasn't really scary, because I was right in front of my house and Ray was there with me, but I could imagine it would be dangerous to be out when there weren't so many people around, say 300 years ago. I guess the native people knew how to stay safe and warm, but a few of the invaders lost a person now and then. Maybe they were drinking and lost their way, maybe the blizzard came up suddenly when they were coming home from their married sister's house after helping her watch her children. I could see the other side of the street, but not the other side of the harbor. From safe inside, we kept checking out the windows or even opening the door. The places we had cleared filled back in soon. The snow seemed to be blowing sideways. Where did it all end up? In the ocean? Snowplow trucks went by once or twice, but they seemed to have decided our street wasn't that important. It's true, it's a small one-way street that doesn't have any offices or businesses on it.
By Sunday morning, it had stopped. The sun was shining. The streets seemed to be plowed. Ray took the dog out and did some more shoveling, off and on. The neighbors who had a small bulldozer (Bobcat) seemed to enjoy clearing the driveways so the cars could get out. We didn't plan on driving anywhere, but very nice to know we could. It was very cold in spite of the sun.
I live in an interesting old house--about 250 years old. There's a lot to love about it, but we have done everything we could to make it warm in the winter and it cannot work when it's 9 degrees out. The heat keeps running, trying to warm it up to 65 degrees, but cold mornings it's about 57 or 58 when I get up. If it's a sunny day, I open the shades and it will slowly warm up. Yesterday afternoon, the heat stopped running because it was warm enough. Of course, I wear a sweater all the time and sometimes a scarf or mittens. I drink hot tea most of the morning (I have a great collection--chai, green tea, but mostly Earl Grey).
The best thing to do is cook. There are only 3 of us most of the time, although I sometimes share food with neighbors or family members nearby. I fantasize about feeding the multitudes, but that would probably take the fun away. A dessert restaurant is my most common fantasy. The idea of renting a space, hiring staff, and doing marketing is a little daunting. Most restaurants fail--and now is definitely not the time to start a business that depends on in-person customers--mail order cookies? hmm
Cinnamon bread--just had the last slice this morning, along with oatmeal with brown sugar, raisins, and half-and-half. Time to make more bread and order more half-and-half. Last night we had bounty rice--we all had seconds. It's ground beef, rice, cabbage, canned tomatoes and sour cream and mozzarella. I suppose it's a little like my Mom's company casserole..need to look up that recipe and see. It's pretty easy to make--chop onions and peppers and saute them, add cabbage, a few herbs, rice, tomatoes. Ray
As I go through old photos during this stretch of gray and drizzly days (yes, we had a lovely time at Christmas, better than most in recent memory, maybe because it involved an 8-year-old some of the time, maybe because A. came to stay for a few days), I see again the photos of Annie Payson Call, who was a friend of the family to my mother's mother, Mildred Kimball Bonney. Uncle Paul, my mother's older brother, was apparently a scholarship student at the Mt. Prospect School for Boys, where she taught or was somehow connected with the principal. (He was her special friend??) As far as I know, Annie never married or had children, but I could be wrong.
There are photos of Paul with other boys sledding and skiing and photos of Annie with him and other family members. I was curious and googled her and found some interesting stuff. She taught for about 30 years at a girls' school. She taught them how to take care of their nerves. This is not something we hear about nowadays, that women especially need to protect themselves against nervous breakdowns. The classes involved exercises, breathing, and self-hypnosis. She made the front page when two students had nervous breakdowns and it was argued that these classes had contributed to weakening their nervous systems. I think of it as sort of a precursor to yoga...but I wonder if women needed to learn self-care because they were not well treated by society?
cold and gray, some rain.Warm in the house, puzzle set up by the fire. Lots to do: choosing presents, wrapping, getting them where they go. It's Hanukah, so early this year. We managed to light candles last night, the 4th night. Also missed the first Sunday of Advent. Boxes to get down from the attic. Still putting away our summer things. Not sure how we got so far behind, with so much "free time." After two days of driving to Newburyport and working for 6 hours, I am tired. Love the work, love my boss and board members and most of the clients. Just couldn't get everything done yesterday. Thank you notes and record-keeping for donations (yay), getting ready to distribute gift cards worth thousands of dollars. Beginning of every month brings inventory, counting of all personal care items in the office for clients to "shop" from. This time of year lots of donations to count and put away. When the clients come get their gift cards next week, they will want to pick up dish soap, shampoo, toothpaste, deodorant...so need to have things stocked and displayed. We have appointments, so there won't be many people in the space at once and masks are required, but want to get them in and out quickly.
Thursdays are volunteer days. I will spend a couple of hours at Bootstraps, welcoming people to the food pantry and signing them in. They must show mail from the last 30 days with a local address and be in the computer system. This afternoon, I will also spend two hours with our food coop, distributing to members. One or two more distributions before we/they close up for the winter.
A Christmas Carol radio play being performed live at the American Legion Friday and Saturday night. Not sure if there will be a streaming option. I am grumpy this year because nervous about a live audience who may or may not be masked or vaccinated. Director is anti-mask and half the cast is wearing them. Need to dress as 1930s radio performer. Want to do my hair on top of my head in that loose bun style that my grandmother wore, but not sure I will be able to pull it off. May settle for a hat.
I was told once that I suffered from existential ennui, which I find both very amusing and possibly true. I have said, "if you're not depressed, you're not paying attention." It's Fall, Winter is coming. I feel restless and occasionally unhappy. Not miserable, not hating my job or my life, there are lots of good things. But things wear on me. It's impossible for adults to be carefree and happy like children, I guess. I am angry at the world. People are not behaving well. They are hurting each other, and I don't even know why.
I am looking forward to visiting my daughter in North Carolina. We will get on a plane with other people and probably it will be fine. I have this irrational belief that if I lived there, everything would be better. But that is what a vacation is, a chance to leave the daily routine behind.
Part of it is this house, with its boxes of old things that I cannot bear to get rid of, but don't have a space for. Old photos of dead relatives, old books that I loved, even old clothes that somebody could wear. Old knickknacks on shelves that nobody sees--except me. They weigh on me, more sometimes than others. I long to get rid of everything and start over--a house fire would do it, but I could just throw it all away. and yet...
Yesterday I went to an event for an organization I support. It was billed as a garden party. I drove to a part of town I rarely visit. The house was huge and lovely, brown shingled, set back on a big lawn with great landscaping. I looked for a way to walk around back and the owner or someone urged me to come in, just to walk through the house, the party was on the porch. As I came through, I could see the people on the porch. They were much too close for me. I could walk to the other end of the porch, but I would have to go through all the people. I said, "no that's okay, Thanks anyway," and I turned around. "It's not that bad," she encouraged me. "Maybe you can go around?" I fled.
Standing in front of the. house, enjoying the sunshine and the wind, I got ready to leave. Someone I know from the organization came up to me. She apologized, she understood how I felt. She encouraged me, she said they would ask people to distance themselves. I went around back and climbed up the stairs to the porch. There was no one at this end. On the other hand, I was not going near the food and drink, as that was through the crowd. And I couldn't really talk to anyone from here. It seemed silly to stay. Some people said some words of welcome and encouraged people to go down on the lawn. There were even games to play. I rushed back down the steps and started playing cornhole (by myself). I was terrible and the targets seemed too far apart. Eventually, though, someone else came to play and some more people came down to the lawn. They brought a few chairs. I spoke to someone at length who had just come back from Nova Scotia. I said hello to a few others that I knew. Speeches were made and I left. Of course, everyone was wearing a mask (most of the time), but some kept slipping and being adjusted. And some people were eating and drinking and making speeches. But I was far enough away and had my mask on and we were outside.
