Sunday afternoon

I slept well and woke up a little late...light was coming in around the shades. I tidied up a bit as I was waking up, since I had gone straight to bed last night when I got back from Molli's. Tamara spent most of the afternoon and evening with the Rainbow Girls and Molli and I had dinner together and lazed around a bit. I had a bite of the oreo cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory that they had brought home Friday, and it was delicious.

Molli is celebrating somewhat, since she has finished her last classes and exams. Starting tomorrow, she will be working at Chin & Curtis for her last internship...and getting paid about enough to cover her costs...so not going any further into debt. She's pretty pleased, and so am I.

I spent a little time on the computer and made my regular Sunday morning breakfast, whole wheat pancakes with blueberries. Then I got ready to sing with First Parish UU Church...the building dates from 1833, but the congregation is almost 200 years older than that. It's nice to just sit and look at, especially on a sunny morning, so I went about 15 minutes early. It's my chance to start getting to know some new people, a little bit strange for someone my age, but very fun and good for me. I also never know when someone will connect me to the perfect job.

Afterwards, I walked home to Molli's. They had come and gotten the rest of the pancake batter and eaten it up. Getting to a 10:30 service is uncommon for them, and a little stressful. I ate some leftover ground beef in a tortilla with lettuce and avocado and salsa, a satisfactory lunch. They headed out to the symphony, thanks to some free tickets they had been given. I went back to my place and started a batch of bread. The sun was coming in the windows and the apartment was calm and pleasant.

I like the quiet of being alone, as long as it's punctuated by contact with other people. I can hear the cars go by, and sometimes sirens, but no recognizable speech. I have a big old TV, but no cable or satellite service. I watch DVDs. Recently, I had Jane Fonda's companionship for a while. I listened to her yoga video, sometimes just as a soothing background, although usually I did the exercises. Sometimes I watch old movies, Humphrey Bogart rescuing Lauren Bacall and then letting her walk away...or Bette Davis falling in love with the boss's son. Nothing too serious or intense.

I read lots of books, mostly after 9 at night. Sometimes I fall right asleep and sometimes I'm engrossed for hours. I generally wake up by 5:30 either way.

I know I am loved and have lots of conversations with my husband. I talk to friends and other relatives, too, on the phone or computer.

I know I am being useful and try to enjoy my time here for what it is, maybe a little space to be me on my own.

Monday was a snow day. I was a little down...hadn't been back to work since I went home for a few days the week before. There was an awesome-sounding job posted and I had applied for it and got a quick response: the job has been filled. I was very disappointed. Applied for another one, but it doesn't sound quite as great. Haven't heard anything yet. My current job is sort of unstable...I have gotten mixed messages about how many hours they want me to work. It seems like I can probably get something better in this area, and I'm excited about it. I'm in limbo on so many fronts. I would love to have a good steady job/income and turn my attention to other things.

Tamara was scheduled for her green card interview. Even though all the schools were closed, Molli thought she would have heard if it had been cancelled. They dressed carefully and headed over there nice and early, only to find that all government offices were also closed. That was a bummer...no idea how long it will be before she can get another one.

I asked my boss/coworker if there was a snow day policy...but didn't hear back right away. Maybe he was asleep. I was at the bus stop, having just missed my bus, when I heard back from him. No policy that he knows of, but he wasn't going in and didn't see any reason I should.

Another Saturday morning, with very little on my plate. I am staying in Molli's apartment while she is away, competing in the mock trial Regionals in Connecticut. Her ward and sister-in-law, Tamara, is 16 and moved to this country from Mexico less than a year ago. I will cook for her and myself and we will keep each other company this weekend. The challenge is that she is recovering from a kidney infection, with the help of antibiotics, and eating very little other than saltine crackers. A week ago, she vomited all weekend, something she had never previously experienced. She has been to the emergency room twice and still has some lower back pain.

She and I get along quite well: she reserves her teenage behavior for Molli, who stands in for her mother now. We enjoy watching Jane the Virgin, which is a very fun TV series, a little like a parody of a "telenovela" or soap opera. It is funny and touching, with close family relationships and a heroine who is saving herself for marriage to her wonderful boyfriend. Her grandmother speaks only Spanish (with subtitles), so you could say it is educational!

Although it snowed yesterday, it is not very cold out and is starting to melt. One of the advantages of apartments, usually, is they are warmer and easier to heat than freestanding houses. This one is particularly comfortable, because the heat is included in the rent and so it can be turned up freely. It's more likely to be too warm for me than too cold. My apartment, on the other hand, does not include the cost of electricity in the rent. I got my first bill, for $180, for less than a month! This is for two rooms...and I keep it turned down most of the time. I was really shocked. I have now turned it off, at least while I'm staying here. I can function just fine with sweaters and blankets. I hope the heating season will not be too much longer!

I am comfortable in Molli's apartment, having spent many weeks here this fall, cooking for them and making myself at home. I still prefer my own place. It has everything I want in it and nothing I don't...pretty much. Although no one could call me a neat freak, I am trying to only have the things I need, and everything in its place, a la Marie Kondo, sort of. I do like her way of folding clothes and lining them up in my drawers so I can see what my options are, and I love her philosophy of cherishing things and being grateful for them.

The other thing that is not perfect about Molli's place is the presence of her husband's absence. It pains me to be reminded of him and how is not here for her or Tamara. I miss him from my life too, or at least my fantasy of what my life might have been like.

Other things that make this day more stressful than it should be: the absence of my husband and the fact that our house is not yet ready to be sold. If the house should sell for a good price, we would be very happy and able to move ahead with our plans for the next phase of our lives. Sigh. I am here and I should be there...maybe. When I am there, I am quite productive in working on throwing things away...but there is so much and the work is so slow!

Okay, the biggest thing bothering me: my job. When I was offered this great job with this great international nonprofit, I was thrilled. "See," I said, "it is easier here. I am appreciated in this area and can get work easily!" Not so fast. The man who offered me the job is now saying I am working too many hours...the grants have not come through as he had hoped and he cannot afford me. I do the books, so I know that is true, sort of. I also know what other things he spends money on, and my salary is a pretty small part of it. Nonetheless, he has the right...I am just not sure if I misunderstood him, he has changed his mind, or his memory is perhaps at fault, or I have not worked out as he hoped.

I will be okay, I will find other work, I will muddle along. But I would not have signed a one-year lease on an apartment without being sure I could cover the rent. I almost did last month, but the flights back and forth, the cost of commuting to work, and now the electric bill, are being subsidized by Ray's generosity. This month looks even worse...at the moment. It is possible I could get an awesome new job that would more than cover my expenses. I have applied for several.

But for today, do the laundry, go to the market, cook food...and be glad you can!

The hissing tires on the snowy street outside
and the noises of the warming radiator
ought, combined, to calm me and content me.

Instead I wish for happy company
and some obliging soul to wait on me,
yet will not leave my home and seek them out.

My task for the day accomplished:
I rode the city's buses through the storm
taking the child to her appointment

in an old but beautifully renewed building
staffed by friendly lively people
in a distant part of town.

There was once a pharmacy nearby,
perhaps a hundred years ago or so,
that was owned by my mother's grandfather.

She went to visit him from time to time;
and talked about the treat of ice cream there.
I looked out the window for it in the snow.

The child is asleep now, the work is done.
And yet I feel I must do something.
It is time to take up my knitting.

Ah! Saturday morning

It's great to wake up and be able to do anything you want...or is it? What do I want to do? Well, I will wash my hair and do laundry and go to the Farmers' Market...and do all the things I usually do: play Spider, read emails, watch "TV"...

So, I eat my breakfast and take a shower and wash my hair. I sort the laundry and do some dishes. I am heading down to the laundry room with my detergent and my quarters (and a heavy basket of clothes). As I wait for the elevator, I am surprised. It seems that someone else is using it. In 3 weeks of living here, I have only seen 2 people briefly.

The doors open and a tall young woman is standing there. As I start to get in, she says, "I just put laundry in both washers...so, wait about 30 minutes..." I say thanks and carry my stuff back to my apartment. No big deal, no urgency. I do some more dishes and chat with Amelia for a bit.

As I am thinking about going down again, a horrible loud noise sounds. I check to make sure it's not anywhere in the apartment. I open the door and stick my head out...no obvious source of danger. I look out my window...nothing.

I head out with my laundry and take the elevator to the ground floor. As the doors open, the noise is much louder and there is smoke. I set down my soap and laundry and join the three other women standing outside, where it is really cold. Apparently something happened to the washing machine...no flames, but lots of nasty smoke. A man is rushing around, opening windows and doors, and Nicole (the tall woman whose laundry is currently getting smoked) calls the landlord. Hmm...I guess I am not doing my laundry right now, or probably today. I will have to go to the laundromat (not too fun on foot in the cold and potential snow), put the dirty sheets back on the bed, or buy new ones!

Time to play Spider...and wait for Molli to go to the Farmers' Market with me. Maybe she has extra sheets!

Cold

I was warned. People said I was crazy to want to live where it was cold. Ray and I said we can take the cold, it's the heat we can't stand! They said I wasn't used to it any more, I wouldn't be able to adjust. I said I didn't mind the snow.

And really, at first, I didn't mind. It was cold, but I was dressed for it. It was invigorating. The flurries were beautiful. But now, I am too cold all the time. The last few days, it was rarely above freezing outside and the wind was around 20 mph or more! My fingers were cold inside my warm gloves, the wind found my neck between my scarf and my collar...my nose is cold, the tips of my ears are cold. My toes are cold inside my heavy shoes.

My skin is dry and I rub vast amounts of cream on myself every night and morning. My neck and shoulders hurt from hunching against the cold. The walking that I was excited about is misery. I can't wait to get out of the cold and hate having to walk half a mile to get to the train. It's cold on the train too and in the office. I have things overdue at the library, which is not far at all, but I am not going to be out a minute more than I have to! I don't suppose they will accept the cold as an excuse to not pay the fines.

It is lovely and warm in my apartment; the electric baseboard heat works beautifully. I don't know what the electric bill will be like; I haven't paid the first one yet. I cook big chunks of meat in my oven for hours and the place is warm and smells good. I just never want to go out. It's nice in my bed, warm and comfortable, even without my sweet hubby. I can read a book a day easily. I can't wait to get home and change out of my clothes and into comfy slippers and relax.

The days are getting longer and I like to watch the tree outside my window, catching the last rays of sun when I get home (I try to work 9-3, so I am home before dark). The snow is beautiful to watch from inside! I am sure it will be a little warmer soon. It has to, so I can buy more food!

Oh, no! The high for the next 3 days is supposed to be 30...and it's probably going to snow on Saturday.

Hmm, I might have to rethink this plan...

Weekend

Cape Cod sunrise, over the cranberry bog to the East. A skim of ice on the surface. Cold but sunny. Lots of people and noise. Family party time! Pizza and subs, watching TV, talking talking talking

I had strange dreams, although the bed was very comfortable, warm under the covers, but cold for sleeping. Ray came to bed late, I don’t know when. He will talk as long as there is someone to listen, like his father before him.